Humorous, Orcs vs. Gray Company

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Humorous, Orcs vs. Gray Company

Postby BaronDeSade » Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:05 pm

Gorbag the Orc stepped forward and set the heavy wooden bucket of cheese down before the throne of his dark master. “More cheese, mi'lord,” he growled.

A hissing laugh came from within the pall of darkness that enveloped the Shadowlord on his iron throne. “Put it over there, with the other cheese. My collection grows, Gorbag. Soon, I will be the cheesiest one in all Middle Earth! Bwhahahaha (cough, cough)” he sputtered. He hacked for a minute while Gorbag dumped his bucket of cheese into the rapidly growing pile.

“Cheese in your hood again, mi'lord?” he asked.

“Perhaps,” coughed the Shadowlord. “I wish I could eat just one piece of it. I haven't had a decent meal in two-thousand years. I used to love mushroom pie when I visited the Shire...”

Gorbag was saved from another of the Shadowlord's long-winded stories when an Orc messenger ran in and fell to one knee before the throne. “Speak,” rasped the Shadowlord as he flicked a bit of cheese of off one of his gauntlets.

“Great one,” whined the Orc, “I bring grave news of another force in Middle Earth that has a great cheesy stockpile of its own!”

“What?” rasped the Shadowlord in fury. He got to his feet and drew his Morgul dagger. “Who dares think that they can stockpile cheese in the same fashion as me? Tell me before I saw your worthless head off and make Orc-head-cheese of it!”

“It is the Grey Company, great one!” the Orc shrieked and crawled backwards to hide in a dusty corner of the throne room.

“It would be,” said the Shadowlord as he scratched his non-existent chin out of force of habit. “Those habitually-drunk, green-hat wearing, merry-making, accordion-playing, 'every-man-an-archer' tools have long sought to claim the title of 'cheesiest' for their own. Well, we'll just have to show them a thing or to, ay, Garbage?”

Gorbag sighed. “It's 'Gor-bag,' mi-lord.”

“Whatever.” The Shadowlord waved his gauntlets dismissively. “You, Orc-captain-with-the-bucket, assemble the warbands!”

“Aye-aye, mi-lord!” answered Gorbag, saluting with his bucket before hurling it into the corner where it struck the Orc messenger and brought forth a delightful screech of pain. Some days, it was good to be the captain.

Off in a part of the forest that no civilized people cared to enter, the men of the gray company were engaged in another of their drunken revels. They shot arrows at random targets, danced badly and sang even worse. The echo of their song rang from every tree, driving all of the forest animals away.

We're the company and we're OK!
We all have bows and we fight in gray!

We shoot our bows,
We eat our lunch,
We sing into the breeze!
On Wednesdays we go churning,
And add to our pile of cheese!

The one character that seemed out of place leaned against one tree with her bow held at the ready. The King's Huntswoman of Rohan had joined up with the Gray Company to see if they could teach her any new shooting techniques, but she had spent all of her time avoiding their drunken gropings and sleeping in trees. Disgusted with their behavior, she kicked off her boots and went to wade in the nearby pool.

The company suddenly grew quiet. “To enter into the forbidden pool bears the penalty of death!” shouted their leader, Halbarad.

She looked back at them. “You're kidding, right?”

“Nope, that's the rule.”

“Well thanks for telling me beforehand, knave,” she got out of the pool and sat down on a nearby rock to put her boots back on.

“No!” shouted Halbarad again. “Sitting on the forbidden rock subjects one to flogging!”

She jumped up, drawing her bow in anger. “I didn't see your name on it!”

“Everybody knows what's forbidden here; you should too!”

“Are there forbidden paths, too, that can't be walked on?”

“As a matter of fact...” Halbarad was interrupted by a piercing shriek that echoed throughout the forest.

Halbarad looked at one of his men. “Fell Beast, wouldn't you say, Ranger Hoffman?”

“Definitely, Fell Beast. Definitely.” said the man as he nervously twisted his hands.

“Time to fight, then lads. You too, Elves.”

The Elvish twins, Elladan and Ellrohir, smiled and nodded, slinging their own skins of Dorwinion wine upon their backs and drawing their Elvish bows.

“And, uh, you too girl, although the idea of a girl doing anything in a fight with a Nazgul is just, silly.”

The Huntswoman glared at him, but picked up her bow.

“Forward now, lads!” shouted Halbarad. “They can take our lives, but they'll never take, our cheeeeese!”

The Gray Company roared out in agreement and marched forth to meet the hated Orcish foe.

The two armies drew nearer and nearer to each other, each seeking to bypass the other and destroy their vital cheese stockpiles in this struggle of reconnoiter. The Orcs moved in a huge mob, shielded from the Gray Company's arrows by the pall of Darkness.

Only at the last did the arrows of men find any targets, and paltry few Orcs were slain by the feathered shafts before the two armies crashed together. As was his dirty-trick-wont, the Shadowlord used his black magic to pull one of the rangers towards his army, where he swooped down upon the hapless soul and devoured him.

Halbarad, attempting to lead his army through a show of brave deeds, launched into a heroic fight, cutting down the Orc in front of him who had, at first, refused to die, inspired by his shaman's chants, and lunged forward towards the Shadowlord and the Orcish banner that was being carried by a warg rider.

Alas for poor Halbarad, his heroic move took him deep into the middle of the Orcish mob, where he met up with Orc captain Gorbag. Before Halbarad could even raise his sword to strike, he was struck in the face by a fireball cast by the evil Khardush. Burnt and half-blinded, he could not defend himself as the laughing Gorbag ran him through.

The Elf twins cried out in grief at the loss of their general, and with twisting, dance-like movements, hacked their way through the Orcs and sliced at the Shadowlord himself. The Ringwraith survived the attack, but was badly shaken, and before they could exploit their advantage, a timely heroic movement by Gorbag allowed his master to fly back to safety.

The battle was going ill for the Gray Company, as their light armor proved useless against the strong-armed blows of the Orcs and the snapping jaws of the wargs. The rangers had tried to roll up the right flank of the Orcs, only to be met by the howling warg riders the Orcs had held in reserve. Many, many men were thus knocked down and rendered into warg-chow.

Khardush the Orc shaman was furiously active, throwing fireballs with one hand and slitting Orc throats as sacrifices with the other. Although Elladan had dodged or resisted all of the fireballs, this left him open to the black magic of the Shadowlord, who transfixed him. Gorbag attacked the seemingly-helpless Elf, only to find, to his great chagrin, that he couldn't cut through the Elf's golden armor.

His brother, Ellrohir, stepped over the bodies of fallen men and Orcs and attacked the wicked Khardush, intending to bring an end to his pyromanical ways, once and for all, but to the Elf's great chagrin, he found himself defeated in combat by the Orc shaman and almost died on the spot of shame.

“Great job, Khardush!” hissed the Shadowlord. The Orc shaman turned, surprised to receive a compliment from his lord, only to also receive a Morgul dagger in his face. “Bwahaha!” laughed the Shadowlord as he drank up the Orc's essence. “Who says Orcs are not very tasty, eh?”

Ellrohir snarled in anger at being cheated of his trophy, when something hit him in the back. Annoyed, he turned to find his brother's severed head at his feet, and a grinning Gorbag flipping him off.

“Auugh! You killed my brother, you dirty Orc!” shrieked Ellrohir, going instantly berserk. He gave up his quest to finish the Shadowlord for a single-minded determination to kill the mocking Gorbag, but there were many, many Orcs between the two heroes. The Huntswoman had her blade out, and was trying to hack through the Orcs to get to the Shadowlord, but she could not make any headway either. And so, the remaining members of the Gray Company threw down their bows and fled into the woods, and their magnificent stockpile of cheese fell into the grinning claws of the Shadowlord (who, having no face, had to grin with his claws.)

THE END! I had recently gotten the Gorbag model off of Ebay and so I reduced one warg-rider in status to an Orc on foot and used the extra points to replace my generic Orc captain with Gorbag, and what a winner he was! Gorbag killed Halbarad and Elladan, and probably a few other models besides that, and his extra store of Might proved very useful, allowing the Shadowlord to flee the Terrible Twins. Tim's dice rolling was, let us say, less than optimal, and the rangers were made into mincemeat by the S4 Morannons and Wargs. His shooting, of course, was virtually useless against the Shadowlord led army.

Huzzah, for I am the cheesiest!


Baron DeSade
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Re: Humorous, Orcs vs. Gray Company

Postby Smeagol » Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:11 am

Yeah, how many ones and twos did I roll in that game? I can see no need to finish painting that force in this lifetime.
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Re: Humorous, Orcs vs. Gray Company

Postby BaronDeSade » Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:16 am

I don't remember how many 1's and 2's you got. If I had been counting from the beginning of the game, though...

Maybe more paint will make them luckier?

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Re: Humorous, Orcs vs. Gray Company

Postby Smeagol » Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:22 am

I doubt it. The force is too low in defence to be so small in numbers. The force has been nerfed by the warbands rules.
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